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michael griffin

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Posts: 302 Member Since: 05/02/2011

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Feb 25 14 11:08 AM

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There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mineshaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing.

They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited.Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon an old rusty anvil. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in.
 
While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!  The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them!

The man replied, 'Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to an anvil.'

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jimkissling

Gold Finger

Posts: 255 Member Since:02/02/2011

#2 [url]

Feb 25 14 7:44 PM

This isn't a new one, but in keeping with the theme,

If you drop a piano down a mineshaft, what key will it play in after it hits the bottom?

Ab minor

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compasspnt

Diamond Forever

Posts: 21,215 Member Since:08/01/2011

#3 [url]

Apr 21 14 8:51 AM

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
“I was born into servitude, and when I die, my feet will be turned into glue,” replied the horse.
The bartender realized he would not be getting a tip.

---

What’s black and white and red all over?
The prisoners in the penal colony. The sun was especially brutal that day, and the warden had taken their roofs as punishment for an unnamed crime.

---

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/kafkas-joke-book


http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/franz-kafka-at-six-flags


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pcavins

Gold Finger

Posts: 735 Member Since:26/01/2011

#4 [url]

Apr 21 14 5:01 PM

One cannibal says to the other cannibal, "I hate my mother in-law",

the other replies "just eat your vegetables, then"....

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barry hufker

Diamond Forever

Posts: 12,188 Member Since:26/01/2011

#6 [url]

Apr 21 14 9:56 PM

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom'.  You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.  'The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?  ''Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.  The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. 'Shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Fruit Loops' WHACK...she spanks him.  He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the 3 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' 'I don't know mum, but it won't be fucking Fruit Loops'

Last Edited By: barry hufker Apr 21 14 10:01 PM. Edited 1 time.

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barry hufker

Diamond Forever

Posts: 12,188 Member Since:26/01/2011

#7 [url]

Apr 21 14 9:58 PM

These are obviously not my jokes, but then again they are new to me even if they are old...

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size.

Last Edited By: barry hufker Apr 21 14 10:01 PM. Edited 1 time.

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barry hufker

Diamond Forever

Posts: 12,188 Member Since:26/01/2011

#8 [url]

Apr 21 14 10:04 PM

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of "Being and Nothingness."   He says to the waitress, "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies, "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

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hallams

Platinum Blonde

Posts: 1,620 Member Since:26/01/2011

#9 [url]

Apr 21 14 11:46 PM

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"Kermit Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Hallamsound Productions.

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hallams

Platinum Blonde

Posts: 1,620 Member Since:26/01/2011

#10 [url]

Apr 21 14 11:51 PM

Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordan Ramsay's cooking show on telly.
Bruce says; "What are you watching that shit for? You can't cook to save your life!."
To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?"

Hallamsound Productions.

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hallams

Platinum Blonde

Posts: 1,620 Member Since:26/01/2011

#11 [url]

Apr 21 14 11:55 PM

 An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".
 

Hallamsound Productions.

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mikes

Silverado

Posts: 87 Member Since:13/02/2011

#12 [url]

Apr 22 14 3:00 PM

During a particularly demanding meeting, Bean C. Ounter, A&R executive at ??? Records, dies from a heart attack and approaches the pearly gates.  St. Peter, sitting on a cloud behind his divine reception desk, goes through Bean's account of achievements and activities, does a short calculation on his divine adding machine and offers:  "It's totally evened out - you did a lot of stupid things and lots of good stuff, so it's up to you: stay with us or go to hell.  You may choose now!"

Ounter, while looking up from texting on his smartphone, answers casually: "Hmm, dunno - I've been working in the music biz all my life, have you got any samples, brochures or the like?"

"Sure, watch this!" says St. Peter, illuminating some sort of 3D display in front of his desk.

Heaven: Peace, harmony, angelic voices chanting prayers and hymns, accompanied by harps, flutes and heavenly violins.  Ounter sees himself sitting on a fluffy cloud, blissfully singing along.  He watches for a minute and then goes "Ya, ya, yes,... um, ... interesting - can I see the hell-tape, please?"

"Sure, here you go."

Hell:  (soft fade-in from white screen) A sleek '69 Ferrari Dino curving down a small road, winding along a beautiful coastline (north of Marine county?), smooth soundtrack (no alto saxophone), Ounter recognizes himself at the wheel, the other seats occupied by three stunningly beautiful girls. (cut) The three beauties and Ounter in a spa, the redhead feeds him grapes, the brunette lets him sip from a glass of champagne, the blonde goes down on him (soundtrack now w/ saxophone).

Mr. Ounter gives St. Peter a compassionate smile and states with an ironic undertone "I'd rather go to hell then..."

"Thank you!" answers St. Peter with a cold, professional smile and moves a lever under his front desk.

Bean C. Ounter falls into abyss, tumbling, flailing his arms and legs, finally slumping into an endless ocean of stinky, boiling shit. On a rock, behind him, stands the devil and takes a piss on his head...

​"Hi Bean, how ya doin' - nice demo, eh?"

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wireline

Aqua Marine

Posts: 4,123 Member Since:24/01/2011

#18 [url]

Apr 23 14 7:33 AM

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



Just 2, but how they got in there still baffles me.

Ken Morgan

Please...Give It A Rest

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yz

Aqua Marine

Posts: 2,830 Member Since:26/01/2011

#19 [url]

Apr 23 14 12:45 PM

ssltech wrote:
I worked with a dyslexic satanist band once...

They sold their souls to Santa.

the contract had only one clause.

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harland

Gold Finger

Posts: 929 Member Since:05/02/2011

#20 [url]

Apr 24 14 11:32 PM

ssltech wrote:
I worked with a dyslexic satanist band once...

They sold their souls to Santa.


I thought they were supposed to worship a dog...

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