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hallams

Platinum Blonde

Posts: 1,584 Member Since:26/01/2011

#241 [url]

Aug 3 16 7:02 AM

Two Hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat at lunch, they talk about the usual, work, hunting, and fishing.Suddenly, a tourist from the city begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the Hillbillies looks at her and walks over saying, “Kin ya swallar?”
The woman shakes her head, “No.” 
Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head no in desperation.The Hillbilly lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks back to his table and sits down as if nothing happened.His partner looks at him without blinking an eye and says, “Ya know I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!”

Hallamsound Productions.

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gregdixon

Gold Finger

Posts: 468 Member Since:30/01/2011

#242 [url]

Aug 3 16 6:25 PM

hallams wrote:
Two Hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat at lunch, they talk about the usual, work, hunting, and fishing.Suddenly, a tourist from the city begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the Hillbillies looks at her and walks over saying, “Kin ya swallar?”
The woman shakes her head, “No.” 
Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head no in desperation.The Hillbilly lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks back to his table and sits down as if nothing happened.His partner looks at him without blinking an eye and says, “Ya know I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!”

That's great. I almost spat out my breakfast.

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hallams

Platinum Blonde

Posts: 1,584 Member Since:26/01/2011

#244 [url]

Aug 3 16 8:58 PM

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you," said the American. He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, mate - it's a local call".

Hallamsound Productions.

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barry hufker

Diamond Forever

Posts: 11,900 Member Since:26/01/2011

#247 [url]

Aug 4 16 11:04 PM

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

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has2

Platinum Blonde

Posts: 1,435 Member Since:17/05/2012

#250 [url]

Aug 27 16 5:20 PM

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw her as soon as I figure out how to get her pajamas off!!"

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hallams

Platinum Blonde

Posts: 1,584 Member Since:26/01/2011

#252 [url]

Sep 2 16 12:41 AM

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured from the tip of my weenie to my testicles.

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?”

The old Chief calmly replied, “Vietnam”.

Hallamsound Productions.

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barry hufker

Diamond Forever

Posts: 11,900 Member Since:26/01/2011

#253 [url]

Sep 13 16 10:35 AM

So a German man is travelling across Europe. Eventually, after a few weeks abroad, he arrives at the Polish border.The border guard begins to question him:"Name?""Hans Schmidt.""Place of birth?""Munich.""Occupation?""Nein, just visiting."

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seth

Ruby Baby

Posts: 5,478 Member Since:26/01/2011

#255 [url]

Sep 17 16 11:21 AM

This isn't a joke but a tweet of a real conversation between a father and his four-year-old daughter. The father wakes up the four-year-old and says,

"Come on, you have to get ready for school."

The kid says, "I don't want to"

The father says, "How come I have to wake you up every morning and go through this?"

The four-year-old replies, "Because you never learn..."

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has2

Platinum Blonde

Posts: 1,435 Member Since:17/05/2012

#258 [url]

Sep 20 16 11:24 AM

FROG AND 18 YEAR OLD GIRL

FROG AND 18 YEAR OLD GIRLA man takes the day off from work and decides to go play a round of golf.He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,'Ribbit, 9 Iron.' The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.Again, he hears,'Ribbit, 9 Iron.' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.Boom!  He hits it 10 inches from the cup.  He is shocked.He says to the frog, 'Wow that's amazing.  You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, 'Ribbit, Lucky frog.' The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.'What do you think frog?''Ribbit, 3 wood.' The guy takes out a 3 wood and, boom!  Hole in one.The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.By the end of the day, the man golfed the best round of golf in his life and asks the frog,'OK where to next?'
The frog replies,'Ribbit ... Las Vegas.' They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, 'OK frog, now what?'The frog says,'Ribbit, Roulette.' Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, 'What do you think I should bet?'The frog replies'Ribbit, $3,000 ... black 6.' Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.Boom!  Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.He sits the frog down and says, 'Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.' The frog replies,'Ribbit, Kiss Me.' The man figures, why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 18-year-old girl.
 'And that, your honor, is how that girl ended up in my room, so help me God ... or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.'=10pt

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