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compasspnt

Diamond Forever

Posts: 21,269 Member Since:08/01/2011

#261 [url]

Oct 31 16 4:20 PM

Newfie Fisherman





The Canada Department of Employment believed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help.

An agent was sent to the fishing village of Burin to investigate the boat owner.


GOVT AGENT: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand. He's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged guy.

He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, and pays his own room and board. 
I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. Also, he gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

GOVT AGENT: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: "That'll be me. What'd you want to know?"

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compasspnt

Diamond Forever

Posts: 21,269 Member Since:08/01/2011

#262 [url]

Nov 1 16 2:37 PM

Financial Planning explained by an Irishman in the Outback.

Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.

In the morning the farmer drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camel’s died.’

Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’

Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead camel.’

The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’

Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead camel!’

Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead camel?’

Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.’

Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank, but yesterday got an offer to work for the Prime Minister as a Financial Planner.

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gtoledo3

Aqua Marine

Posts: 4,231 Member Since:23/10/2013

#263 [url]

Nov 5 16 9:07 AM

(wrote one yesterday, feel free to delete if it's not OK)

I heard Chris Christie is shopping around a new TV show idea....




Celebrity Accomplice.

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berolzheimer

Aqua Marine

Posts: 2,877 Member Since:29/01/2011

#264 [url]

Nov 5 16 2:29 PM

gtoledo3 wrote:
(wrote one yesterday, feel free to delete if it's not OK)

I heard Chris Christie is shopping around a new TV show idea....




Celebrity Accomplice.

I like it.

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compasspnt

Diamond Forever

Posts: 21,269 Member Since:08/01/2011

#272 [url]

Dec 28 16 2:39 PM



A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $1000 each and didn't realize last year when he bought them that this was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested he is looking for someone to take his place

It's at San Luis Rey Church in Laredo, Texas at 3pm. Her name is Maria, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook... She will be the one in the white dress.


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compasspnt

Diamond Forever

Posts: 21,269 Member Since:08/01/2011

#273 [url]

Jan 10 17 8:19 PM



A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" 

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." 

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signals to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signals, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says screw you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."



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barry hufker

Diamond Forever

Posts: 12,257 Member Since:26/01/2011

#274 [url]

Jan 17 17 11:55 PM

A blonde guy calls his girlfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."His girlfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"The blonde guy says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."His girlfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. He lets her in and shows her where he has the puzzle spread all over the table. She studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to him and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."She then takes him by the hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea." And then..... she said with a deep sigh" ............"Let's put all these corn flakes back in the box."

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compasspnt

Diamond Forever

Posts: 21,269 Member Since:08/01/2011

#279 [url]

Feb 4 17 1:25 AM



Stopped at a gas station today to get a soda and when I pulled in I noticed these two officers just standing there next to their car, watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas into her car.

I thought, wow, what a crazy lady doing that, and with the police standing right there watching her!

So I went in and got my soda, and as I was checking out, I heard someone screaming, "Look! Look outside!!" We did and what did we all see?!

The woman's arm was on fire!!!

She was running around like a chicken with its head cut off, waving her arm and just going crazy nuts!

Those of us inside went outside just as the cops took her to the ground. I don't know where it came from, but they put the fire out with an extinguisher.

Finally, after all the craziness was over, I started walking to my car and I noticed that the cops were putting her in handcuffs. There was a young guy walking next to me and he said, "what the hell?!?" He turned around and walked back toward the cops. I kinda stuck around because it looked like this guy was an idiot and I wanted to see what was going to happen.

Well...being the turkey I thought he probably was, he asks the cops what in the world they were arresting her for; after all, wasn't catching her arm on fire punishment enough for her being stupid?

The cop looked him dead in the eyes and said, "For waving a Firearm!"


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barry hufker

Diamond Forever

Posts: 12,257 Member Since:26/01/2011

#280 [url]

Feb 4 17 1:28 AM

That's 30 seconds of my life I'll never have back...
A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

Last Edited By: barry hufker Feb 4 17 1:34 AM. Edited 1 time.

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