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hallams

Platinum Blonde

Posts: 1,584 Member Since:26/01/2011

#21 [url]

Apr 30 14 8:08 PM

One evening, at an investment meeting, a young man spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few months my father will die and I’ll inherit $200 million.”
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card — and 3 days later … she became his stepmother.

Hallamsound Productions.

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spiritwalker

Aqua Marine

Posts: 3,613 Member Since:14/02/2011

#22 [url]

Apr 30 14 10:19 PM

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.



The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'


'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.


'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.


'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't
mind,can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'


'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.



'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round
this way?'


'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm
a drywaller.'


The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.


The same thing happens for two weeks.


Then one day the circus comes to town.


The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches,
reads the newspaper and everything!'


'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.


'Get him to give me a call.'


So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey
Mr.Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money.'


'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'


'At the circus,' says the barman.


'The circus?' repeats the duck.


'That's right,' replies the barman.


'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'


'Yeah,' the barman replies.


'With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.


'Of course,' the barman replies.


'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?' persists the duck.


'That's right!' says the barman.


The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ...


'What the fuck would they want with a drywaller??!'

 

OK it's cold here

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yz

Aqua Marine

Posts: 2,826 Member Since:26/01/2011

#24 [url]

May 1 14 12:14 AM

hallams wrote:
One evening, at an investment meeting, a young man spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary guy,” he said to her, “but in just a few months my father will die and I’ll inherit $200 million.”
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card — and 3 days later … she became his stepmother.

Never give away privileged information without payment upfront.

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barry hufker

Diamond Forever

Posts: 11,900 Member Since:26/01/2011

#26 [url]

May 2 14 10:26 PM

A blind man sits down in a bar, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?"In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times.

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hallams

Platinum Blonde

Posts: 1,584 Member Since:26/01/2011

#28 [url]

May 3 14 12:21 AM

A dog goes into a grocer’s with a basket in its mouth. In the basket is a shopping list and a purse. The grocer reads the list, puts the goods requested into the basket, takes some money from the purse and puts back the change. The dog then runs off home. This happens every week for months and the grocer becomes extremely impressed by the animal’s intelligence and its dedication to its task. One day he decides to follow the animal home and see if its owner would be willing to sell it. The dog eventually leads the grocer to a run-down house where it puts the basket on the doorstep and rings the door-bell with its nose. After a few seconds an old woman opens the door and starts hitting the dog with a stick. ‘Stop!’ shouts the grocer. ‘What are you doing? That’s the most intelligent dog I’ve ever seen in my life.’ ‘Intelligent, my arse!’ shouts the old woman. ‘That’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his keys.’

Hallamsound Productions.

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hallams

Platinum Blonde

Posts: 1,584 Member Since:26/01/2011

#29 [url]

May 3 14 12:24 AM

A dog goes to a telegraph office and dictates a message. ‘Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.’ The operator reads it back then says, ‘Y’ know, we charge per ten words. You could have an extra ‘woof’ for free.’ ‘No thanks,’ says the dog.

Hallamsound Productions.

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ssltech

Aqua Marine

Posts: 4,036 Member Since:22/01/2011

#30 [url]

May 3 14 12:34 PM

I heard it as "You know, you can have an extra woof for free...-You want to add that?"
"Of course not" says the dog... "-That wouldn't make any sense!"

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wireline

Aqua Marine

Posts: 4,114 Member Since:24/01/2011

#34 [url]

May 3 14 2:32 PM

Knock knock...

That's the sound of two guys walking into a bar

(disclaimer: not my joke... the wife's... I think it to be the worst joke of all time - seemed fitting here somehow)

Ken Morgan

Please...Give It A Rest

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johnwhynot

Aqua Marine

Posts: 4,935 Member Since:22/01/2011

#35 [url]

May 3 14 11:24 PM

Ever hear about the hooker who couldn't distinguish between KY Jelly and window putty?







Yup.







All her windows fell out.

--

John Whynot

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barry hufker

Diamond Forever

Posts: 11,900 Member Since:26/01/2011

#37 [url]

May 7 14 11:26 PM

Three little old ladies were enjoying an evening on the town, when suddenly they were accosted by a flasher. The first little old lady had a stroke! Then the second one had a stroke! But the third one refused to touch it.

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justpushplay

Silverado

Posts: 245 Member Since:02/02/2011

#38 [url]

May 9 14 4:02 PM

A 911 operator gets a frantic call from a man in obvious distress.

911: 911 emergerncy services. What is your emergency?

Man: Oh my gawd, Oh no! Maam, I think my friend is dead!!

911: Ok, sir, this is important, I need to you to take a breath and calm down.

Man: Ok Ok, I'm calming down. What do I do next?

911: I need you to make sure that your friend is dead

Man: Ok, hold on, I'll check

About 15 seconds go by, and the operator can hear much rustling around. Then suddenly, BANG!

Man: OK, that's done, now what?

(Ok, I heard it on NPR today on the way home, but I laughed)

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has2

Platinum Blonde

Posts: 1,435 Member Since:17/05/2012

#39 [url]

May 9 14 6:03 PM

The Blonde

The blonde was shopping at Walmart and came across a shiny silver thermos.

She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss, who is also blonde, saw it on her desk.
"What's that?" she asked.
"Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two Popsicles and some coffee."

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