Platinum Blonde

Posts: 1,620 Member Since:26/01/2011

#43 [url]

May 9 14 11:02 PM

A man goes to the doctor
Patient: Doc, I have this problem, I can't stop singing either 'The Green Green Grass of Home' or 'Delilah'.
Doctor: Sounds like you have a severe case of 'Tom Jones syndrome'.
Patient: Is it rare?
Doctor: It's not unusual.

Hallamsound Productions.

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Gold Finger

Posts: 261 Member Since:13/05/2013

#46 [url]

May 14 14 9:29 PM

 A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
 She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
 Question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
 Name, can you hear it?"
 She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?

Two blondes living in Townsville Queensland were sitting on a bench
And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
Melbourne or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see


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barry hufker

Diamond Forever

Posts: 12,192 Member Since:26/01/2011

#47 [url]

May 18 14 4:17 PM

At the end of the tax year, The Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?""Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.""Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.But on he went, in his obnoxious way. ”What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?""Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.""I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?""Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

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barry hufker

Diamond Forever

Posts: 12,192 Member Since:26/01/2011

#48 [url]

May 22 14 12:27 AM

So I was sat on my porch today and saw 2 guys working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?" To which one of the guys replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".

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Aqua Marine

Posts: 4,170 Member Since:23/10/2013

#50 [url]

May 28 14 8:01 PM

Not so much a formulated joke…

…but after hearing that One Direction had been caught smoking pot, I thought to myself:

"their Sgt. Pepper's can't be far behind."

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barry hufker

Diamond Forever

Posts: 12,192 Member Since:26/01/2011

#51 [url]

Jul 14 14 4:27 PM

A man wakes up to find a gorilla on his roof.  So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he"ll be there in 30 minutes.The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a huge, ferocious looking dog."What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks."I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla's testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the van.", says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun."What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner."If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

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Aqua Marine

Posts: 4,123 Member Since:24/01/2011

#53 [url]

Jan 6 15 1:27 PM

silvertone wrote:
What's the difference between a chick pea and a lentil?

I never had a lentil on my chest before.

Subtle.... Urine some interesting times here

Ken Morgan

Please...Give It A Rest

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Ruby Baby

Posts: 5,629 Member Since:26/01/2011

#54 [url]

Jan 6 15 5:54 PM

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor says, "I'm afraid you'll have to stop masturbating." The guy says, "But why?" The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

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Gold Finger

Posts: 261 Member Since:13/05/2013

#55 [url]

Jan 8 15 11:18 PM

Man goes into chemist shop:
Seeing the shop assistant he says "Excuse me, do you sell deodorant?"
"Yes sir, ball or aerosol?"
"Neither, it's for my armpit"


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Diamond Forever

Posts: 21,216 Member Since:08/01/2011

#57 [url]

Jan 13 15 9:12 PM

 Pest  Control

A  woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a  pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom  together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 

'Quick,'  said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in  the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious  and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the  closet.
 'Who  are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said  the exterminator.
'What  are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a  complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 

'And where are your  clothes?' asked the husband. 

The man looked down at  himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

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Diamond Forever

Posts: 21,216 Member Since:08/01/2011

#59 [url]

Feb 10 15 12:14 PM

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little
4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe
that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door, and spent much of each day observing the

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or
less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20
little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her
ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real
construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*holes at Home Depot ever
deliver the f*ckin' drywall..."

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Platinum Blonde

Posts: 2,323 Member Since:29/01/2011

#60 [url]

Feb 10 15 2:31 PM

my joke's mildly dirty. scroll if you are easily offended.

So this young piano player moves to New York. Like they do. We'll call him 'the kid'. 

His second day there, he hits the streets looking for work. After awhile, he sees an old guy lifting up the ghetto grates on the front of a club. The kid approaches the old guy and says "Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you, but I was just wondering if you might be looking for a piano player at all?" 

The old guy looks him up and down and replies "Well kid, actually, you're in luck. My regular guy just took one of them cruise ship gigs and is gonna be gone for three months. Why don't you come in and we'll see what you've got." 

So they go in, the old guy flips on the lights, motions towards the piano and sits down at a table. The kid goes over to the piano, takes off his coat and sits down. The old guy says "Go ahead, don't be shy, play me something nice." 

The kid starts to play. The old guy nearly swallows his cigar. He can't believe it. It's by far the most beautiful playing he's ever heard in his life. By the end he's biting his lip to keep from crying. Really. The kid's that good. 

The kid finishes and looks up shyly. The old guy says "Kid! Jesus Christ! That was incredible! What was that you were playing?" 

"oh, well, that was just one of mine." 

"You WROTE that? God damn. What's the name of the tune, kid?" 

"uh, well, that one's called 'I Wanna Grab You By The Ears And Fuck You In The Mouth'."

The old guy spits out his drink laughing. "Jesus, kid, that's a helluva title!" He goes over and puts a glass of bourbon on the piano and says "Go on, let's hear some more, play me another one." 

So the kid starts to play again, and now the old guy is practically having a heart attack, because this tune is so good it makes the first one sound like scraps off the cutting room floor. 

By this time, the waitstaff and bartenders have starting coming in, and they're all standing around looking somewhat dazed, completely mesmerized by the kid's playing. 

He finishes the song and gets a big round of applause from the staff, which he shyly acknowledges. The old guy's voice booms out: 

"Jesus H Christ on a crutch, I've had every goddamn famous piano player you can name sit at that piano over the years, and I ain't never heard no one play it like that. Was that one of your tunes too?" 


"I'm afraid to ask, but what's the name of that one?" 

"uh, that one's called 'I Wanna Grab You By The Tits And Fuck You In The Ass'." 

The whole staff bursts out laughing. The old guy says "You sure got a way with a title kid. Alright, listen: you got the gig. Your first set is at 10, don't be late, wear something nice, and do me a favor huh? I'm tryina run a classy joint here, wouldya mind keeping those song titles under your hat?" 

The kid says no problem and thanks the club owner profusely. 

By 10 o'clock, word has gotten out about the new phenom in town and there's a line around the block. The kid plays his first set to rapturous applause, and when he finishes he gets a standing ovation. Blushing, he says "Thank you all so very much. This is my first gig here in New York, and it really means a lot to me to get this sort of reception. I'm just going to take a real short break and then I'll be back for a whole 'nother set. Thank you." 

He's dying to take a piss so he quickly ducks into the restroom. When he emerges, he's greeted by an extremely attractive woman. She looks him right in the eyes and says "I just wanted to tell you that your playing is incredibly beautiful. It really spoke to me on a deep emotional level." 

The kid says "well, gee, wow...i...uh...thanks!" 

Her eyes darting around nervously, the woman says "So...um, I'm not really sure how to say this, but do you know your fly's undone and your cock is hanging out? 

The kid smiles and says "Know it? Lady, I WROTE IT!"



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