But really, why do you have to give up so many options, like triggering samples?
A) time and logistics
B) artistic decision: the rest of the album IS in fact all sample-based beats, arranged in Ableton Live that I then mixed on my system. The artist has in the meantime assembled a band, and wants that song to fit in sonically with the others. The similarity needn't be perfect (there is some variety in the samples already), but the general aesthetic and feel should be there.
If it's fun to you then that's as good a reason as I can think of to go with something more exotic than using the drum sample that you want it to sound like under the sound of the real drum.
As for time... I don't know. I can replace a kick and snare in just a few minutes with the Massey DRT. I think Slate has Trigger on sale for about $50 right now. No reason you can't "make" a sine wave or a noise sample and replace the K and Sn that way. Way faster and more accurate than a noise gate. I have no idea what you mean by logistics. According to you, everything you do will happen inside your rig.
But really, why don't you look at it like the Daft Punk record? Just make the drums sound fantastic. They will be timeless. And cool. And they will fit in. If they don't, then maybe it's the other songs that need to come up in quality. I've talked to Mick a few times, and I can tell you for sure that he had a lot of fun making that record. Do that!